Dear Sir,
My name is Ricardo Ruben. I am a psychologist and a writer. Since I admire your work as the President of the most important network, I have decided to write this letter in order to recommend you a musical fiction oriented to young adults.
I have been thinking about retelling the story of a group of homeless children who form a rock band which helps them to run away from drugs, alcohol, stealing and violence. The band would have ten members and each of them would tell a different and problematic life-story. These ten members would be between thirteen and eighteen years old.
The name of the programme and of the band would be “Running away”.
The last thing I would like to mention is the fact that during the course of the television series, a famous producer will discover and help the children to make their dream comes true.
I am looking forwards for your reply as soon as possible.
Faithfully,
Mr. Ruben
10 comments:
If you are addressing to someone in particular as it is clear in the first paragraph, I think you should open the letter mentioning the name of that person instead of writing Dear Sir.
Other suggestion could be a change in the way you present your ideas. For example, the phrase "I have been thinking about retelling" doesn't have the strength to comvince a potential investor. Yonr ideas should be carefully evaluated before you make the proposal. You haven't been just thinking about this, you are sure this is the best project they will receive.
Sorry guys, i get the main idea of your project but then it is a bit confusing as regards the way your project will be carried out. Will you be retelling the story of a band or forming a new one? Also, how will the famous producer discover and help the children? I think this needs some clarification from your part. But in fact it sounds a good project to me!
hi! I agree with Silvina about the confusion. I got "lost" in the middle too. I loved the name of the person who sent the letter (ricardo ruben). good detail
congrats!!
laura dambolena
The idea is great and it is related to some topics that affect our society. Nevertheless, as Silvina and Laura have said, your ideas are a bit messy which affect understanding. Maybe you should reorganize some paragraphs. In addition, remember that Ricardo Ruben is a psychologist and a writer so the letter could have been written in a more formal style.
I have been reading the tv proposals and the suggestions and I totally agree with Florencia, if we want an investor to produce our show, we have to show that the one we offer is the best one, and when we say “I have been thinking..” we don’t show much confidence in what we really want.
And I also agree with you girls, it is a bit confusing we should have reorganized some aspects.
Giselle
I think, it is a good idea to insert the homeless in society through a TV show . This teaches high values to adolescents.
I forgive Ricardo Rubén for not writing a formal letter because he is a psychologist and most of them sometimes have their ideas in a bit of a mess.
Renée Fredes
I've just learned that ricardo ruben was a psychologist!!! this shows that each day brings new konwledge to us...
thanks girls!!!
laura dambolena
Hi Girls and Agus!!
I think that the idea of the project is very good and interesting!!
I agree with my classmates since the text is a bit confusing. Perhaps you should organize the ideas in a different way.
I loved your proposal!!
It's not so common to present on TV imperfect confused people who are determined to improve their life.
I think teenagers will be thrilled at watching people to whom they can relate to. And on top of it, it has a very positive side: to encourage the idea of clinging to hope and working hard to fulfil your dreams.
Yet, some points could be put across:
-Are you going to retell the story- i.e. make someone narrate something that has already happened, or tell it as it happens, like in a regular series?
-The reading of the letter gets tangled with the use of words or phrases which contain serious spelling and grammar mistakes.
I also agree with some of the previous comments about the addressee and the register.
Way to go guys!!
People,
Your story has caught my attention because, in general, homeless are not part of the TV nowadays as they were not part of our society. I agree with idea of writing the name of the addressee since you say that you know him and the network. One of the main problems with the letter is connected to development, style and organization of ideas as some of our classmates have mentioned previously. For instance, you should have mentioned the name of the show and then account for it since that supports your proposal. Also you should try to be more firm in your ideas in order to demonstrate self confidence, show how good your proposal is and that there’s no other program like this on TV and sell the product. Well done anyways!
Cristian Matas.
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